I’m just writing to touch base. Well, really to skip base ‘cuz we don’t need to see eye to eye.
I know at this point I’m supposed to be an adult and tell you how much I’ve grown… to tell you that I think we can be friends and I forgive the enemy in you, for good this time, but again. Perhaps I should apologize, too, for all the wrong I did that led us to the end. It would probably massage your ego if I even said I missed you. I don’t. For years I ran from running. I didn’t want to give up when I needed to realize it was time to move on. I was weak. I sat upon a valley-ed peak as if that seat were comfortable. It wasn’t, but we were. You know how you grow so accustomed to something that you don’t want to change it? It’s like trying not to fix something that ain’t broken, but Lord if my vision wasn’t crossed as hell seemed heavenly. Hell. That was where we sat, you keeping up? I know I used to speak faster than you ever listened.
Anyway… You may be wondering how I could still be thinking about this after all these years. No still. I was on Instagram today and I saw you. All too happy if I’m being honest. I know, I know. “I want you to be happy even if it’s not with me.” I lied. I can’t see how you deserve it. And I know it isn’t my thing to decide, but if I could, you’d be miserable in Wyoming. That makes sense. A place where neither of us can imagine you having a lover or homies. Back to the point, there you were, with her. A different her, of course, one who is likely much better for you. One who doesn’t know your past because the original “her” couldn’t get over all the drama you put us through – though she stood right by your side as you collaborated in humiliating me. Mild karma, but.
Here’s the thing:
I can’t reasonably fathom how you find multiple relationships before I develop even one decent won. How? There wasn’t a single thing left to give you, but you managed to be right. How? Some way I was to blame when it was you seeking Mr. Masculinity. You were courageous –
– You brought that heaux into my home talking about “this is my friend”… N!gga. You know I hate the N word but oh to speak of ignorance. And here I am smiling, asking what she, and all your other friends needed, as we watch the football game. And here she is speaking when we’re in common areas outside. And here, a town full of people watching it all fall down, but saying nothing. Well, if nothing else, I know not to be comforted by the “sis” from friends of friends of lovers –
– Maybe cowardly. You made a fool of me alright.
Ironically, that’s not the worst of it. You had the chance to be the one to choose my end with you. Maybe it was letting me down easy when you said you needed time to grow and understand you. Cool. So how in two weeks can she no longer be subliminal, but full out “@”-ing “boo”? Hm. You dusty.
If you’re still reading, by now I’m sure you’re asking “what’s the point?”… there isn’t one. I just finally realized how I never had the chance to speak up. I’m not done, but I’m getting too emotional, ‘cuz I swear I’m over you. Be great, ’til next time.
Samantha Southall ❤