Author: esse11e

A&Q

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Some days, you think you can figure it all out, you know… Find answers to still unasked questions Some days. Sometimes, you think you know. Even when you’re having difficulty distinguishing thought from feeling. And those days seem easier. Limbo, while “free-spirited” really is no fun. It restrains you, from control; leaves you inquiring . . . about your very own life, So why? Why then do you struggle to create your way, instead of finding it? Why, then, is the grass equivalently green – or not so? Which is worse, and what’s the difference? Some days you drown yourself in the residual waters of disappointment To avoid the purified droppings of hope . . . because . . . Hope, is an unasked question. and you’re still searching. seeking. Answers.

Things we tend to Omit.

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Smiling in the faces of judgment; Laughing in the midst of repugnance.  We’d rather masque our shortcomings for image than to embrace them for testament. I’ve fallen beneath measurable lengths. I’ve committed myself to wholehearted distrust of my maker. I, thus, have failed.  In an effort to still omit during alleged transparence, I opt not to share the gory details. One hundred ninety one days ago, I thought I could bear no more. It was the end, I believed. The lifting outweighed my strength, the tears overran any holding, my smile was ornamented with pain. So yes, even I thought it best to leave it all behind.  But let me tell you the God I know. The one who continues to love me in spite of my failures. The one who picks me up when I’ve dragged even His name down. The one, period.  We may never understand many things that exist and occur around us. God may allow things to happen that we find fault in, that we might question. Be certain, still, that …

Broken.

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I used to soar. Swiftly, softly, sometimes. I used to float. With flexibility. I used to. My wings have been shafted under the wind of disappointment. You. Told me things I believed in love, but belief is a personal problem only to be dealt by self. Fool me once.  No shame.  You ran a game I never knew I was playing. Hurdling over puddles of tears, vaulting in the shadows of 7 (or was it 11) years, I’m out of shape. Breathing deep trying to inhale your peace that I may sleep at night without fighting the demons that enter my dreams reminding me, silently, that no matter how many times you spoke the words, it never would have been me. You loved. Fool me twice. !tfihS. Blame it on me. Shame it on me. Pierce my skin with invisible weapons. Hope and promise and love or. Lust after me, moisten my lips with your kiss that I may only hear your desires, and never see your lies. Pierce my skin with invisible weapons. Hope …

Letter from a ‘bitter’ -ex

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Hey, I’m just writing to touch base. Well, really to skip base ‘cuz we don’t need to see eye to eye. I know at this point I’m supposed to be an adult and tell you how much I’ve grown… to tell you that I think we can be friends and I forgive the enemy in you, for good this time, but again. Perhaps I should apologize, too, for all the wrong I did that led us to the end. It would probably massage your ego if I even said I missed you. I don’t. For years I ran from running. I didn’t want to give up when I needed to realize it was time to move on. I was weak. I sat upon a valley-ed peak as if that seat were comfortable. It wasn’t, but we were.  You know how you grow so accustomed to something that you don’t want to change it? It’s like trying not to fix something that ain’t broken, but Lord if my vision wasn’t crossed as hell seemed heavenly. Hell. …

HI :)

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Well, I missed a whole year’s worth of activities… and let me tell you, 2015 was truly lived ‘in the moment’… tune in as I recap last year’s activities, and catch up with this one! Happy 2016… I missed you!

Catch

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Twenty two years ago I already knew I’d run to you. Love. I didn’t know I’d be running from, too. Who keeps teaching us that we need relationships to accentuate our greatness? How are we to define ourselves when we are constantly looking for someone else to help conceptualize us? I’m not chasing, anymore, and yet shorty you keep swinging my way. When my hugs stared in your eyes and the vibrations of my chords grabbed your soul you didn’t know if we were music or noise. you asked me to show you but your lips dance all day. take your headphones off so you may see. chose the lavish. so we’re the latter. now. and grass don’t even grow there. My falsetto moonwalks at the tip of my tonsil when it grips the idea of you. You who asked me to teach you visual-kinesthetically but closed your ears to see me. Can you not feel the raspiness begging for clarity? I was stutter step chasing while you square danced around me. Now my falsetto can rest as …

Frac•ture•d

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When I wake every morning, I rise as one, at once. I look circumspectly in mirrors at pieces and then a whole. Rarely, if ever, does it cross my mind that I am a puzzle in myself. That I am holed. It is in those rarities, though, when reality strikes me bold. Life happens fast. I have been trained to see me holistically, to supposedly understand me, but… if you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found” I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning. Chest up. Blind to what I often find as excess weight around my waist, I glanced only quickly. I didn’t stare at the dark spots that lie between my not so perfectly arched eyebrows. Running my right pointer finger along my brow to “tone it down,” I didn’t even notice the chipped polish that even pure acetone would not remove from my fingernails. My braids are overdue for removal, but I wasn’t overcome with temporary phenotypical obsession. Instead, I stared into tomorrow, and the …

Remember You’re A Genius x Greg E. Hill

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This is what I call a pleasant surprise to find in the mail! 🙂 When Greg announced that he’d been writing a book, and then that he’d be pre-selling it etc., I jumped at the opportunity to support someone I know who’s following his dreams. To me, that is loving my neighbor. To me, that is how I encourage others to pursue purpose and walk in it, so there was no hesitation. It was a few months ago when I first learned of this endeavor, talked to Greg, and made a small investment in him. As such, life kept going and I honestly kind of forgot that the book should be ready and on its way anytime soon. Needless to say, when opening my mailbox, and finding Remember You’re a Genius to be embedded as the contents of one package, I was excited. This book is a pretty easy & short read. It’s a heart-felt, autobiographical approach to encouraging others to walk in purpose and believe in themselves. It is the passion behind the book that …

re|ject|ed

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As hard as it’s been to have boundaries and to say “no”, what’s it like to be on the receiving end? How does it feel when gravity works against you… when the very thing you want isn’t out of reach, but refuses to stretch its limbs to pull you close enough to let the static between arm hairs collapse and touch? …and what’s more than how it feels? How do you deal with it? If you’ve ever applied for a job you’ve really wanted and believed you were more than qualified for, chances are you put in a lot of time and effort to inflate the minds of recruiters and hirers with the most tediously neat abstract portrait of you. You may have felt amazing after interviewing, you know, prayed and thanked God afterward, called your mom, dad, or best friend with an “I just KILLED that interview!”… and since they love you and believe in you, I’m almost sure the response was something to the affect of, “I’m sure you got it, you deserve it!” And …

The Four Agreements x Don Miguel Ruiz

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Another amazing read! You guys have no idea (actually, by now you might) how much I love books that place some significant journey at their nuclei. This book self-proclaims itself “A Toltec Wisdom Book”, and wisdom it offers indeed! In this book, I love the role of agreements. Further, I love how the pages speak volumes to our lives day-by-day. Don Miguel Ruiz has authored an easy read whose diction is very simplistic, though its composition could easily change the world, if reached and understood. Each of the four agreements seems equally simplistic; the principles, when written, don’t require much but effort to understand and uphold them. If you want to be free, and to actually understand what it means to choose and access that freedom; if you want to live the life you want to live, and love it, I recommend this book without question! Happy Reading! 🙂