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A&Q

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Some days, you think you can

figure it all out, you know…

Find answers to still unasked questions

Some days.

Sometimes, you think you know.

Even when you’re having difficulty

distinguishing thought from feeling.

And those days seem easier.

Limbo, while “free-spirited” really is no fun.

It restrains you, from control; leaves you

inquiring . . . about your very own life,

So why? Why then do you struggle

to create your way, instead of

finding it?

Why, then, is the grass equivalently

green – or not so?

Which is worse, and what’s the difference?

Some days you drown yourself

in the residual waters of disappointment

To avoid the purified droppings of hope

. . . because . . .

Hope, is an unasked question.

and you’re still searching.

seeking. Answers.

Things we tend to Omit.

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Smiling in the faces of judgment; Laughing in the midst of repugnance. 

We’d rather masque our shortcomings for image than to embrace them for testament.

I’ve fallen beneath measurable lengths. I’ve committed myself to wholehearted distrust of my maker. I, thus, have failed. 

In an effort to still omit during alleged transparence, I opt not to share the gory details. One hundred ninety one days ago, I thought I could bear no more. It was the end, I believed. The lifting outweighed my strength, the tears overran any holding, my smile was ornamented with pain. So yes, even I thought it best to leave it all behind. 

But let me tell you the God I know. The one who continues to love me in spite of my failures. The one who picks me up when I’ve dragged even His name down. The one, period. 

We may never understand many things that exist and occur around us. God may allow things to happen that we find fault in, that we might question. Be certain, still, that the final word is His alone; what he allows is still run by Him… and what he doesn’t, too. 

I was not kept here to be captured in the bystander effect. I must seek, find, and fulfill my purpose. I must speak when my voice can make a difference, lead when there are others who could benefit from my choosing not to follow, and love notwithstanding circumstance.

Thank you, God, for saving me though I am undeserving. 

-Samantha

*a note* – do not ever flinch at the hand of mistreatment; fight back, even if fighting is earthly flighting. There is no one on this earth who deserves to control any part of you. Not your mind. Not your body. Not your spirit. No situation you are in is worthy of your entire life’s end. You are more than a conqueror. 

Broken.

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I used to soar. Swiftly, softly, sometimes. I used to float. With flexibility. I used to.

My wings have been shafted under the wind of disappointment. You. Told me things I believed in love, but belief is a personal problem only to be dealt by self. Fool me once. 

No shame. 

You ran a game I never knew I was playing. Hurdling over puddles of tears, vaulting in the shadows of 7 (or was it 11) years, I’m out of shape. Breathing deep trying to inhale your peace that I may sleep at night without fighting the demons that enter my dreams reminding me, silently, that no matter how many times you spoke the words, it never would have been me. You loved. Fool me twice.

!tfihS. Blame it on me. Shame it on me.

Pierce my skin with invisible weapons. Hope and promise and love or. Lust after me, moisten my lips with your kiss that I may only hear your desires, and never see your lies.

Pierce my skin with invisible weapons. Hope and promise and love or. Lust after me, stretch my hips with your protégé that I may be… foremost, admirable, majestic, incomparable, laureate, yielded… too.

Kill my dreams with the transparent stares that see through me whence she’s learned my name. still my eyes transcend your left breast. beyond the muscle and through the tattoos, i see you, there.

Hello.

Your palm sweats in mine though it’s cold as winter in Alaska. Are you nervous? Speak, don’t let your expression suffer anemia, it’s just me. Spare not the gory details that just might save my soul from your bull… Please.

I close my eyes and see the first time. It’s head up near the reminiscent Uni-days. Lean back, you come closer to me. Gently grab me and allow the glistening skin above your chin to embrace mine. Open, wide. This is a wizard’s magic. Don’t challenge me. I buck back. I’m embarrassed, not disappointed. You’re so concerned about me you can’t focus, keep going. I’m sorry.

There ain’t enough curren$y in the world to buy back the tears we sh(ar)ed as we lay. I wouldn’t change them for the world. Fly me to Vegas, can I slot for a shot? Give me a ball, is it double or nothing? Are we B, b and Q, peanut butter and jelly, chocolate… Gihradelli? Are we? 

 Is this regret already?

I turned my headlights off so that you could clearly see me. I unplugged the world. I shut my mouth to denial, closed my ears to lies, opened my eyes to deceit, and you can still blame it on me.

My wings have been shafted under the wind of disappointment. 

I can’t tell if the liquid in my view shields me from the future I once dreamed, or stagnates me into a present I don’t deserve. I packed a bag and walked away from perfection because you told me to. Who said perfect doesn’t exist? Have they ever met us?

I think I lied for you. Wake up every morning yet inside I die, for you. 

Trying to fly but water is heavy and my cries won’t let me ascend. Drifting in a river bend. Gasping for air. You have watched me drown. I’m going down. 

Letter from a ‘bitter’ -ex

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Hey,

I’m just writing to touch base. Well, really to skip base ‘cuz we don’t need to see eye to eye.

I know at this point I’m supposed to be an adult and tell you how much I’ve grown… to tell you that I think we can be friends and I forgive the enemy in you, for good this time, but again. Perhaps I should apologize, too, for all the wrong I did that led us to the end. It would probably massage your ego if I even said I missed you. I don’t. For years I ran from running. I didn’t want to give up when I needed to realize it was time to move on. I was weak. I sat upon a valley-ed peak as if that seat were comfortable. It wasn’t, but we were.  You know how you grow so accustomed to something that you don’t want to change it? It’s like trying not to fix something that ain’t broken, but Lord if my vision wasn’t crossed as hell seemed heavenly. Hell. That was where we sat, you keeping up? I know I used to speak faster than you ever listened.

Anyway… You may be wondering how I could still be thinking about this after all these years. No still. I was on Instagram today and I saw you. All too happy if I’m being honest. I know, I know. “I want you to be happy even if it’s not with me.” I lied. I can’t see how you deserve it. And I know it isn’t my thing to decide, but if I could, you’d be miserable in Wyoming. That makes sense. A place where neither of us can imagine you having a lover or homies. Back to the point, there you were, with her. A different her, of course, one who is likely much better for you. One who doesn’t know your past because the original “her” couldn’t get over all the drama you put us through – though she stood right by your side as you collaborated in humiliating me. Mild karma, but.

Here’s the thing:

I can’t reasonably fathom how you find multiple relationships before I develop even one decent won. How? There wasn’t a single thing left to give you, but you managed to be right. How? Some way I was to blame when it was you seeking Mr. Masculinity. You were courageous –

– You brought that heaux into my home talking about “this is my friend”… N!gga. You know I hate the N word but oh to speak of ignorance. And here I am smiling, asking what she, and all your other friends needed, as we watch the football game. And here she is speaking when we’re in common areas outside. And here, a town full of people watching it all fall down, but saying nothing. Well, if nothing else, I know not to be comforted by the “sis” from friends of friends of lovers –

–  Maybe cowardly. You made a fool of me alright.

Ironically, that’s not the worst of it. You had the chance to be the one to choose my end with you. Maybe it was letting me down easy when you said you needed time to grow and understand you. Cool. So how in two weeks can she no longer be subliminal, but full out “@”-ing “boo”? Hm. You dusty.

If you’re still reading, by now I’m sure you’re asking “what’s the point?”… there isn’t one. I just finally realized how I never had the chance to speak up. I’m not done, but I’m getting too emotional, ‘cuz I swear I’m over you. Be great, ’til next time.

 

Kind Regards,

Samantha Southall ❤

 

HI :)

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Well, I missed a whole year’s worth of activities… and let me tell you, 2015 was truly lived ‘in the moment’… tune in as I recap last year’s activities, and catch up with this one! Happy 2016… I missed you!

Catch

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Twenty two years ago I already knew I’d run to you.

Love.

I didn’t know I’d be running from, too.

Who keeps teaching us that we need relationships to accentuate our greatness? How are we to define ourselves when we are constantly looking for someone else to help conceptualize us?

I’m not chasing, anymore, and yet shorty you keep swinging my way. When my hugs stared in your eyes and the vibrations of my chords grabbed your soul you didn’t know if we were music or noise.

you asked me to show you but your lips dance all day. take your headphones off so you may see.

chose the lavish.

so we’re the latter.

now.

and grass don’t even grow there.

My falsetto moonwalks at the tip of my tonsil when it grips the idea of you.

You who asked me to teach you visual-kinesthetically

but closed your ears to see me.

Can you not feel the raspiness begging for clarity? I was stutter step chasing while you square danced around me.

Now my falsetto can rest as even it won’t wait; time. I choked on freedom trying to be a singer but the tone is forgettable. The melody regrettable. The vocal impressionable.

twenty two years ago I already knew I’d chase, but could not have guessed I’d run, too, from you.

Love.

I’m caught up.

Time is working with me. Even if I never catch you, the ball touched my hand, I should have.

When the lids of my eyes kiss, they stare into my soul which dances to the noise remnant of music. The vocal unforgettable, tone comfortable, the melody rhythmical.

Frac•ture•d

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When I wake every morning, I rise as one, at once.

I look circumspectly in mirrors at pieces and then a whole.

Rarely, if ever, does it cross my mind that I am a puzzle in myself. That I am holed. It is in those rarities, though, when reality strikes me bold. Life happens fast. I have been trained to see me holistically, to supposedly understand me, but…

if you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found”

I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning. Chest up. Blind to what I often find as excess weight around my waist, I glanced only quickly. I didn’t stare at the dark spots that lie between my not so perfectly arched eyebrows. Running my right pointer finger along my brow to “tone it down,” I didn’t even notice the chipped polish that even pure acetone would not remove from my fingernails. My braids are overdue for removal, but I wasn’t overcome with temporary phenotypical obsession. Instead, I stared into tomorrow, and the day after that. I remembered that today, I don’t know everything… That I won’t know it all tomorrow, or the day to follow, but that I could know just a little more than I did each day before.

I limped into my bedroom to stand affront a set of full length mirrors. I began to complain about the orthopedic boot I was wearing, the sweats and t-shirt I was forced into… I was, instead, riveted with the reflection of the countless books on my shelf that I’ve yet to read. It doesn’t always make sense to me, how my mind works; I don’t always get it. In that moment, I realized that I was in a state of brokenness, that I am broken, though not breaking every day. I am whole only because of who I know and accept, but broken because of what I’ve yet to learn.

It was today that I accepted brokenness as a gift. When I’d hear, before, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it,” I naturally assumed that if it was, it needed fixing. Perhaps some of you may look at my incomplete picture and imagine it is broken, I do not. My holed self is a work in progress, my potential.

I gawked astutely at myself this morning, paying close attention to detail. I am overcome with joy that in every day of my future lies aggrandized contentment.

First in a while,
Sammie ❤️

P.S. I just might be back.

Remember You’re A Genius x Greg E. Hill

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This is what I call a pleasant surprise to find in the mail! 🙂

When Greg announced that he’d been writing a book, and then that he’d be pre-selling it etc., I jumped at the opportunity to support someone I know who’s following his dreams. To me, that is loving my neighbor. To me, that is how I encourage others to pursue purpose and walk in it, so there was no hesitation. It was a few months ago when I first learned of this endeavor, talked to Greg, and made a small investment in him. As such, life kept going and I honestly kind of forgot that the book should be ready and on its way anytime soon. Needless to say, when opening my mailbox, and finding Remember You’re a Genius to be embedded as the contents of one package, I was excited.

This book is a pretty easy & short read. It’s a heart-felt, autobiographical approach to encouraging others to walk in purpose and believe in themselves. It is the passion behind the book that most captures my interest!

Many, many congratulations to you, Greg E. Hill (<–click this link for his motivational blog!), for starting and finishing this journey! It was courageous not only to write the book, but also to genuinely and transparently share your story while inspiring others!

re|ject|ed

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As hard as it’s been to have boundaries and to say “no”, what’s it like to be on the receiving end?

How does it feel when gravity works against you… when the very thing you want isn’t out of reach, but refuses to stretch its limbs to pull you close enough to let the static between arm hairs collapse and touch?

…and what’s more than how it feels? How do you deal with it?

If you’ve ever applied for a job you’ve really wanted and believed you were more than qualified for, chances are you put in a lot of time and effort to inflate the minds of recruiters and hirers with the most tediously neat abstract portrait of you. You may have felt amazing after interviewing, you know, prayed and thanked God afterward, called your mom, dad, or best friend with an “I just KILLED that interview!”… and since they love you and believe in you, I’m almost sure the response was something to the affect of, “I’m sure you got it, you deserve it!” And maybe you did, at least once… but in life, there are often times where the perfect opportunity seems lost. You receive a nice letter from your dream employer that reminds you that you are an excellent candidate with tons of great skills and character qualities… but just not what they’re looking for – and then you question “what’s wrong with me?”

If you’ve ever applied for a relationship you’ve really wanted and believed you were deserving of, chances are you put in a lot of time and effort to inflate the mind of the consumer with the best of your humor or the nerdiest of your vocabulary… or obscure his|her eye with the neatest stroke of lipstick, the sharpest line from your clippers, the bounciest curl from an iron, the most fragrant spritz of cologne. You may feel amazing every time you separate from that person’s presence; you know, hoping for the best when she walks away, praying and thanking God for acquainting you two, texting your best friend with a “Yo, she might be it.” … and since they love you, I’m almost sure the response was something to the affect of, “Word? That’s what’s up!” or “Awww, I’m so happy for you!” And sometimes, all of this is true & right…  but in life, there are often times where the perfect opportunity seems lost. You receive a nice text, voicemail, or date ending conversation from dream love that reminds you that you are an excellent candidate with a beautiful smile and spirit… but just not what they’re looking for – and then you question:

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

I tell you guys all the time that I am no guru. I don’t know it all, and therefore lack a ton of answers! But what I do know is that someone else’s desire to set a boundary that disagrees with your hopes does not equal something wrong with you!

I’d like to say that rejection is this tiny little devil in a long red dress, wearing black lipstick and spiked stilettos. I’d like to say that rejection works in opposition to God’s plan for our lives. I’d like to say that we should stand firm against those who reject us, that we might always get exactly what we want! But who would I be if I did? What would I be a proponent of?

Being on the receiving end of rejection works in opposition to our succorance. It tends to leave us feeling alone, unworthy, perhaps even ashamed. We question our flaws because of what someone else thinks of us, but what does that really mean? Am I really any less valuable a worker because one, two, or even 30 employers don’t believe me to be their best fit? Am I unattractive on the inside or out just because one, two, or three million men don’t wish to come into union with me?

It’s like asking if I’m any less human because I love my dog. Exactly.

Now, let’s not be cynical and pretend we can hit an A-frame and Aerial over every wave of rejection that comes our way. The word no is a bouldering boundary. It shocks us. It is effective for the no sayer just as it is the no hearer. It is an extension of one person and what he or she desires. I t   d o e s   n o t   d i c t a t e   w h o   t h e   o t h e r   i s . When feeling rejected, we tend to isolate, DON’T! You are more likely to dwell in an irrational, negative place this way. Lean on a friend, or a trusted companion|confidant who deserves to share in  your story… but do not lean on an enabling agreer! Unfortunately, while these people make you feel better for the moment, when they’re gone, you have done, well -nothing- to recall who you are and what you’re worth.

Our plans will not always align with the plans of others. I’d imagine God laughs at that considering half the time, our plans probably don’t even align with His! Each of us desires and should be granted the freedom to choose our love & loss. When we apply for things, we are choosing to reject other opportunities. The same happens when we are on the receiving end. My prayer for all of us is that we remain large-minded and see a world of destined opportunity, and not contingency. I pray that we are not so taken aback by rejection that we fall victims to our own perfectionism. I pray that neither our mistakes or decisions nor those of others and their indecisions keep us stagnant and unforgiving. I pray that we put forth the effort to develop and not just believe in our potential. I pray that we never forget to dream big, think big, and work big that we might be ready when our days come.

❤

The Four Agreements x Don Miguel Ruiz

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Another amazing read!

You guys have no idea (actually, by now you might) how much I love books that place some significant journey at their nuclei. This book self-proclaims itself “A Toltec Wisdom Book”, and wisdom it offers indeed!

In this book, I love the role of agreements. Further, I love how the pages speak volumes to our lives day-by-day. Don Miguel Ruiz has authored an easy read whose diction is very simplistic, though its composition could easily change the world, if reached and understood. Each of the four agreements seems equally simplistic; the principles, when written, don’t require much but effort to understand and uphold them.

If you want to be free, and to actually understand what it means to choose and access that freedom; if you want to live the life you want to live, and love it, I recommend this book without question!

Happy Reading! 🙂