All posts filed under: Talk To Me

Frac•ture•d

When I wake every morning, I rise as one, at once. I look circumspectly in mirrors at pieces and then a whole. Rarely, if ever, does it cross my mind that I am a puzzle in myself. That I am holed. It is in those rarities, though, when reality strikes me bold. Life happens fast. I have been trained to see me holistically, to supposedly understand me, but… if you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found” I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning. Chest up. Blind to what I often find as excess weight around my waist, I glanced only quickly. I didn’t stare at the dark spots that lie between my not so perfectly arched eyebrows. Running my right pointer finger along my brow to “tone it down,” I didn’t even notice the chipped polish that even pure acetone would not remove from my fingernails. My braids are overdue for removal, but I wasn’t overcome with temporary phenotypical obsession. Instead, I stared into tomorrow, and the …

re|ject|ed

As hard as it’s been to have boundaries and to say “no”, what’s it like to be on the receiving end? How does it feel when gravity works against you… when the very thing you want isn’t out of reach, but refuses to stretch its limbs to pull you close enough to let the static between arm hairs collapse and touch? …and what’s more than how it feels? How do you deal with it? If you’ve ever applied for a job you’ve really wanted and believed you were more than qualified for, chances are you put in a lot of time and effort to inflate the minds of recruiters and hirers with the most tediously neat abstract portrait of you. You may have felt amazing after interviewing, you know, prayed and thanked God afterward, called your mom, dad, or best friend with an “I just KILLED that interview!”… and since they love you and believe in you, I’m almost sure the response was something to the affect of, “I’m sure you got it, you deserve it!” And …

in.decision.

Everything in life is a choice. Even when we choose to do nothing, we are doing something. Sometimes it seems right, to do nothing; sometimes we are content to wait our turn. Sometimes, the holding pattern becomes so familiar that we find ourselves happy in a cycle that never changes. Unless you can honestly tell me that you’ve accomplished, or worked tirelessly to accomplish your wildest of dreams, it sounds more like complacency if you ask me. Have you reached your career peak? Do you make time for your favorite hobby, regularly? Is the girl|or|guy you’re dating mutually invested? Is your spouse[wife|or|husband] working with you? Do you feel valued every day? Do you put into the world even a portion of what’s been bestowed upon you? First things first, you are responsible for yourself. You have to seek God in knowing your purpose, and in following it. Stop looking around to have opportunities fall into your lap; maybe it happens on occasion, but that’s not the way things work. Faith without works, my friends. Now, …

On Love – & loss.

So often, so prevalently, the word “love” is thought to reflect intimate, romantic relationship. In reality, love is a much wider umbrella under which we are all supposed to live. God commands that we do all things in love. The truth is, I haven’t always done things in love. Frankly, I haven’t even always tried to. There were times that I was content to be selfish, to lack the capacity to care any less about how my actions could affect others. It’s not that I wanted to intentionally hurt them, but doing so as collateral didn’t cause me to think twice. I remember, for instance, when dating for fun was the point… So then when I was “tired” of dating someone, I could just leave them standing alone in the rain. Where, then was the love umbrella? No, I don’t mean I had to love or be in love, but I could have been more tactful. Having fun is great, necessary even, but not at the expense of others. The same goes for friendships, even …

Mis|tak|en

There’s a quote that reads, “Mistakes are proof that you are trying.” I love that quote; it’s encouraging, not condemning. The more I read it though, the more I realize I don’t exactly agree with it. For me, it isn’t the mistakes that prove effort, it’s the acknowledgement, the conceptualization of whatever act as “mistake, and what’s more, it’s the conviction one feels after the f(act). To acknowledge something as a mistake is to admit wrongdoing, to hold oneself responsible for having committed the wrong, and to make conscious efforts to act differently in the future. Whether our mistakes are intentional or unintentional, and we will all make both, reconciling takes on the same process. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the need to reconcile with myself, I always thought  it had to be two or more involved for some sort of resolution. Well, I’ve found that in some ways, there are, even when I reconcile with myself… there’s the guilt-crazed one who made the mistake, the judgmental one who condemns me for having …

Emogical I

The Internal Have you ever had a friend vent to you about the SAME situation over and over again, until the point you listen without having anything to say. In the back of your mind, you’re screaming “you could do so much better if…”… But, knowing your words are for naught, you listen without hearing a word. Is that an emotional or logical response? One could argue either or both ways. Imagine if you did the same thing to yourself. Chances are: many of us have been there in some way or another. I can think of tons of examples, honestly. As a people pleaser, I’ve had far beyond my fair share of taking on the weight of the world… or the weight of my acquaintances in the world. The biggest ones for me, perhaps, surface in relationships, both romantic and non. With friends and some family, I have had the tendency to drop everything when someone asks me, never mind what I may be doing. The best part is when I actually had the …

Fall.

Fall: 1. to drop or descend under force of gravity, as to a LOWER place through LACK of support. 2.to become less or lower in degree, amount, quality, value, number, etc. to decline. 3.to succumb to attack 4.to succumb to temptation or sin, especially becoming unchaste to one’s innocence.   These are just four of numerous definitions that basically say the same thing, only one of which reads that a fall may be voluntary…. But let me be the first to say I ain’t tryna fall in love, no more. I did it before, have you? Tell me what’s good about falling? I mean, the fall itself typically hurts, half the time your knees hurt when you stand back up, everyone around laughs and you’re embarrassed after the fact… but most importantly is the lesson: you are extremely careful when faced with similar circumstances. I can’t tell you all that’s right in love, but i CAN tell you a lot about what it isn’t, and my experience with such. Have you ever been infatuated with something or someone …

POTENTIAL.

I was going to talk past, and I actually have a great portion of that post written. But then I began to consider how much of my past was stifled by a contingent, potential future. I love extremely freely, and I believe in people. I more than believe, I refuse to doubt the potential of humanity… But what about the present reality? Have you ever tried to motivate someone in a direction they weren’t interested in traveling? Have you wanted something spectacular for someone who was content with mediocrity? I learned in the hardest way to stop nurturing infatuation with the idea of what someone can be. Unless the person honing the potential is also inputting valiant effort, it’s a battle you’re fighting alone, a battle you cannot win. No matter how much I believe in someone else and want things for them, they will never attain things they, themselves, don’t believe in, desire, or work for… For themselves. I remember being truly inspired by the conversation I could have with one guy. He was …

IDK.

We’ve got all the pieces, why won’t they fit? We have a plethora of technological devices that enable connectivity, why don’t we connect… Like relate? I think abbreviations were supposed to work to our advantage, to offer simple ways of discussing concepts we already understood. When we learned the periodic table of elements, for example… But what good would it have done to know all of the abbreviations without having first learned the full names? We are working backwards, and it isn’t helping. We are living in an abbreviated society. . . One where kids don’t always learn to spell words because there are acronyms for everything; we text instead of calling… And may even text in the same room; we watch movies instead of reading books; we watch clips instead of reading full articles, we watch church online instead of fellowshipping in the Lord’s house, we have sex before we love… Let me not be high or mighty. Let me admit that I have been a culprit. I could claim victim, but who but …

In The No: “Out”

Besides the time everyone stood at the edge of “a bridge” and decided to jump while you opted to turn around and take the stairs down instead, how often are you in the no? It’s so tempting to be in the know, aware of all that’s happening, not missing anything… Like when you were a kid and didn’t want to fall asleep while others were up around you. Being involved in the cyclic conversation about The Little Rascals that you’d had 132x before seemed necessary at the time; your friends wouldn’t joke about you being a “sleepyhead”; you didn’t get toothpaste on your face; but you had to beg your mom to stay home instead of waking for church the next morning… and since she wasn’t going for it, you struggled to keep your eyes open until snack time at children’s church. How much different is it now, as an adult? I’ve struggled a million times with being on the scene or not, and what each symbolized and truly meant to me. I enjoy music, I love …